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Musings about the year past

I cant believe that it has been almost a year since I made my last post here! ^_^ Well, a lot of things has happened in my life, and I honestly don't know where to begin.

The past year brought me a lot of pain, frustration and tears. And yet the past year has also taught me a lot of things that I thought I already knew. I daresay that I have learned more about life during the past year than I have during the previous years.

There are times that I can't help but think that every single sad thing that has happened in my past has helped mold me into the person I am right now. If some fortuneteller have presented to me a few years back the things that will be happening when I reached 24 I would probably run out screaming that there is absolutely NO way I can ever overcome that. *chuckles*

Right now I am working with a multinational pharmaceutical company. I have learned during the past few months that to survive in very big organizations such as this one, you would have to learn the art of "office politics", so to speak. ^_^

Since I am dealing with all sorts of people here, I have learned that to be able to win somebody's favor and make them do what exactly what you want them to do, I have to study them first carefully. Plan before you attack. (ahaha!)

If there is one good thing that I got from this job, it is the immense number of contacts that I have got here. ^_^

a job applicant's woes

Hehe, it has been quite some time since i last posted something here. life's really been busy lately. as you can see, i am on the hunt for my job now.

this searching is proving to be emotionally (and financially) draining. you go to various companies, wasting all your time dressing up, doing your research and stuff, and when you get there, you have to force yourself to act cool and confident when you are actually trembling with fear inside.

sometimes i cant help but wonder why do we have to be scared of the interviewer.... it isn't as if he or she had never been in our shoes once or twice in their lives. i guess it has something to do with a human's instinctual (if i could use that word) need to be accepted.

in this job market wherein dog eats dog, i hate to say this, but i think that Shishio (the main villain of Rurouni Kenshin anime) is right when he said that "the weak shall die, and only the strong shall survive".

keh, is there really no way out of this?

and there is also this problem about some companies.... some recruitment staffs only looks on WHO the applicant knows in the company, and not necessarily with the applicant's qualifications.

believe me, i myself had been a victim of that yesterday during a job interview.

it would have been easier for me to accept rejection (hey, it happens to everyone) if i can see for myself that there are applicants with me who are better suited to the job. but what happened yesterday was that the interviewer passed this applicant who did not only fail to answer "correctly" to the interviwer's inquiries but also looks as if someone's out to eat him!

i had been so upset that i almost stormed out of the building after learning about the interview results. on a very rare occasion, my comfort food had not been enough for me to make me feel better (i was that upset).

the strange thing about this thing is that the company called me up this morning to ask me if i was able to come to their office yesterday. gah, talk about organizational skills within the company.

i told the kind lady on the phone that i had indeed dropped by their company and i was indeed interviewed, but not by the person i had been meant to be interviewed by. the lady sounded all the more confused by it and asked me who conducted my interview, and then asked me what was the result of the talk. strange, dont these people know what on earth's happening inside their own offices?

i have this hunch that this girl can't believe the results of the interview (yeah, tell me about it), and her call ended with that. i have the strangest feeling that she just might try to get to the bottom of this "mystery".

oh well, i guess God has a reason for letting me fail the first (or second?) screening process. seesh, i dont think i would like to work in a firm where i would have to constantly stay in "good terms" with the HR department. that place reeks of corruption, i tell you.

To Little Miss Proper

I wrote this poem out of sheer anger and frustration.... I apologize in advance if this does not entirely make sense... I was just trying to get it out of my system, you see.


Why is it so hard
for you to understand
the reasons for my past deeds?

Must I always act
to what you think is "logical"?
And swiftly declare me a freak
if I decide to do something
outside the norm?

I honestly can't see
what made me fall out
of your favor
when I'm certain there are people
wo did worse than I

Is that your "discreet" way
of casting me out?

Heck I'm a freak
and I'm damn proud of it!
I may stick out
like a sore thumb in your eyes

But no force can ever
make me submit
to the boring "normality"
that you so vainly seek.

Tomodachi

I just thought that I post my compositions here... maybe tomorrow I will make a regular post here... right now my poems describe my feelings better than my blogs.

 

how I long to speak out the words
that I have kept so long in my heart
to tell you how much I care
without pretending
that I'm just a friend
can't you see?

I love you
with all my heart and soul
though I thought at first
that what I felt was nothing more
but a friendly concern

alas! I realized it all too late
why is it just now that I've realized
that without you
I am

nothing.

nothing
but a shell of the person
I used to be
when you are still by my side

how I wished I've listened
to the insistent yearning
of my heart

but intead I have allowed
fear and doubt
consume
my thoughts

and now
I must pay dearly
for my folly
for not taking the risk
for not telling you the truth
when I knew damn well that I should

Aishiteru
gods, I still DO love you!
even if it pains me
to see
to feel
you now seek
in the arms
of another
the love
that I am more than willing
to give you.

watashi no tomodachi
if I only had
the courage enough

to say that
I love you
still.

On the Brink of Insanity

Caught in an endless trap
my soul begged for release
but my captors
held me fast

I screamed
for my savior to come
and it was answered
by the silence of the halls

Why do I need to suffer so?
You asked me
to trust you
to believe in your love

Now tell me
how to trust you
when I do not

feel your presence
see the light
find a glimmer of hope

Will you just let me
be hurt so?

Will you not offer me consolation
as they trample on my heart?

Please
I beg of you
pull me out of my misery
before my anguish
consume completely
my heart
my mind
my soul

Silent Torture

You gently caressed my cheek
but I felt not its tenderness

You slowly wrapped me in your embrace
But I felt not its warmth

You tried to look deep into my eyes
But I saw not its longing

You brushed your lips
against mine

But I felt not its passion

Instead

I felt the tears
running down my cheeks

the harsh wind wrapping me
in its cold embrace

the loneliness reflecting
in my eyes

a silent scream escaping
my lips

for we were never meant
to share something

that was never meant
to be.

Masks

Stuck in a traffic jam
on my way
to your place

Thinking of words to say
lies to make
 to solicit a smile
from your stoic face

You know
that you have the power
to have all my dreams

Crashing

with a flick of your finger

But I adamantly refuse
to give you the satisfaction
of seeing me squirm

Better savor this day
that you have me

tied

gagged

subdued

forced to fulfill

your every wish

For you will never know
Whenthe tables shall be reversed

And I will come collecting
what was rightfully mine. 

Lies

What is it
that you see in her
that you haven't seen in me

What is it
that makes her
more special than me

What is it about her
that made you choose her
over me

What is it
that you find in her
that made you take back
the love you have given me

and then you now claim
that it was never mine?

I should have known better
 that everything that
escapes your lips
are nothing but lies.

lies that run deep
lies that had inflicted
this gaping wound in my heart

slowly killing
all that was
and all
that there shall ever be.

Games

Why
have you stolen my light?

How dare you
pretend that you care?

If I have known
that you will just try
to suck the life out of me

when you realized 
that I am starting
to show the world
what I can do
what I can give them

why is it so hard
for you to realize
that once
you were in my place.

For now
I shall be contented
to count the days

until the fates
shall come back at you

and I

shall die laughing
at your misery.

Broken

Broken hopes
Broken dreams
are all that I see

they are all
that I have with me
when you told me
you love me.

We could have been
so good together
we could have been
perfect for each other

if I haven't told you
that I also love you.

I used to think
that being loved
and loving back
is a start of something
nice and wonderful.

I never thought
that for us
it would be the start
of our end.

Beginning of the End

I believe
that the sun will shine bright
at the beginning of the end

And the early morning breeze
shall bring me the scent
of a thousand roses
at the beginning of the end

I see myself looking up
at the cloudless blue sky
at the beginning of the end

Trying to stop the tears
that keep spilling on my cheeks
at the beginning of the end

I wonder briefly
if anyone realizes
that my time is nearly up

or will anyone notice my absence

For I am afraid
that this is truly
the beginning of my end.

Innocent Bliss

One lonely night
alone in this room
thinking of what was
and what should have been

people always say
that the truth
shall set you free

but why do I see these shackles
gripping my emotions
that should have been

happy and free?

If I had just known
that you will just turn
my perfect world
upside down

I should have
contented myself
living in
an innocent bliss.

Facade

Darkness has fallen
As I slowly open
with trembling hands
the front door
of my refuge

and with a flick of the switch
I have to close my bloodshot eyes
as the living room was bathed
with glaring white light

I slowly closed the door
kicked off my shoes
and slumped on the cold
merciless floor.

Once again
the empty halls bear witness
to the tearsthat flow endlessly
from the woman behind
the indifferent mask.

Another battle is won
against the smiling hypocrites
who would siphon the life out of me
at the faintest scent of my weakness.

How I yearn
for the day to come
when I can finally leave
this village of lies.

Lest I become totally disillusioned
at the sincerity of a human's compassion
and my defenses totally crumble
in my losing battle
against these horrid
monsters of the day

who have long ago
gave up their sanity
for the glittering beauty
of the items
poor Midas once touched. 

In the Final Hours

I just thought of posting my poems here... it describes more eloquently what is happening to my life. 

---------------------------
 
IN THE FINAL HOURS
 
Please sing to me again
the song of my heart
for all I hear now
is wailing, wailing.

Where are the happy chirping
of the birds
that used to greet me
as I face the rising sun?

Where has the cool
morning breeze gone
that used to envelope my senses
in her reassuring embrace?

Have they gone
and left me to suffer
in the hands of those
who once vowed
to keep me safe?

I should have known
that every kind word
that escapes their lips
comes with a price.

I was beguiled
by their gentleness
and thought it was for real.

But what I have seen
was actually
the elaborate beauty
of their trap.

A snake
no matter how beautiful
no matter how docile
will forever be
a snake.

And I was an idiot
to believe
that the snake
will show compassion
at its prey's
weakest hour.

reflections behind the camera

Had just finished talking with my mom a few moments ago… honestly, I have felt really upset about her comment about me not having money to lend Yeng. what does she expect me to do, refuse Yeng?
 
I would admit that I don’t really have much cash left here. Heck, what can I do, my dermatological treatments costs me a fortune you know!
 
my mom’s really a harsh critic… I really do love her in spite of that, but sometimes her words have a way of wounding you. and she’s horribly pessimistic lately… worrying too much over one's future doesn’t really help anyone, you know. I think she sometimes forgets that we all but stay in this world for but a short time only.
 
Anyway, it started out like this: Yeng approached me early this evening to borrow P1000 from me since they really don’t have money left. It’s so bad that they don't even have the money to buy my godson's (who’s Yeng’s nephew) milk.  (the tot's barely 2 years old)
 
Yeng offered me this old camera as “collateral”, and she promises that they will pay me back when they receive her dad’s next salary at the end of the month. I have initially thought of turning her down, since I will be needing all the money I can earn on these last few days of my shop. I am anticipating additional expenses on my shop’s closing. I also thought about the possibility of Yeng never paying me back. I also thought about the camera’s actual value. I know that the P1000 she is asking me is way too high since you can buy brand new cameras at half the price.
 
But I am also thinking about the implications of turning her down. I don’t know if my mom realizes the possible effects of refusing her when they are the ones who knew a very likely buyer of the computer units.
 
does my mother know that I only saw Yeng buying their dinner after I gave the money to her older sister? God knows how terrified I am of the possibility of experiencing the same thing that they are currently going through.. I just thought that I should try to help somehow since I am still lucky that I still have some money left.
 
Does my mom realize this? Or had she became so blinded by worry that she fails to see that God still continues to guide us through this difficult time in our lives?
 
True, Yeng may have overpriced the camera, but it does not mean I should start acting blind to their distress. 
  
 

thoughts on leaving

it's a lazy day back here at the province... well, I just don't feel like working today even if i am here at the my "office"...  i actually have loads of work to do right now, but i have decided to forget about those stuffs for now and try posting something here. 
 
in less than two weeks i am leaving bicol for good to try to make a living back in manila... a part of me feels totally ecstatic at that thought. why shouldn't i? i will finally be back to the place i believe i truly belong... the place i have spent all my life in (excluding the nearly 2 years i have spent here in the province).... well, i am not saying that people here in bicol are unfriendly, but i am always searching for the things, people and places that i have grown up with.... try as i might, i cant seem to convince myself to try to truly live here. now i guess i know how dorothy (is that her name?) felt when she told her ruby slippers, "there is no place like home". how true.
 
but i would be lying to myself if i will say that i dont feel sad at leaving this place. it's funny to think that if you will be asking me about six months back if i will be sad at leaving bicol, i would probably laugh at your face and say that you must be dreaming.
 
i find it truly ironic that i found friends here when i am starting to realize that it is time to me to go.